INTRODUCTION

SEVEN MAJOR QUESTIONS THAT PEOPLE ASK WHEN GOING INTO A NEW RELATIONSHIP.......FROM A FORMER RELATIONSHIP:
1. HOW CAN I BE SURE THIS ONE WILL LAST?
2. CAN I EVER TRUST ANOTHER MAN/WOMAN AGAIN?
3. WILL I MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES AGAIN?
4. WILL MARRIAGE EVER REALLY MAKE ME HAPPY?
5. WILL ANYONE EVERY REALLY LOVE ME?
6. AM I JUST WASTING MY TIME?
7. AM I REALLY READY FOR THIS DATING THING?
8. (What do you think? __________________________________)

WHAT IS LOVE?
Love is something you do! and you take responsibility for those actions. Love is being able to wait for the other. Love is a gentle way of treating others. Love is not a thief that takes away what the other person has. Love is not always being the center of attention. Love is not arrogant, always flaunting personal accomplishments. Love is not a destroyer or ignorer of another's reputation. Love is not seeking, "what can I get out of this relationship." Love is not a list of all your blunders and mistakes. Love is not a short fuse waiting to go off. Love is not a good feeling when the other person errors. Love is thrilled when the other does something well. Love is automatically sharing your umbrella. Love is going to the other's defense without all the facts. Love says, "I chose to believe you." Love says, "I know we can make it." Love says, "I will be here tomorrow." Love says, "I will be your umbrella, not your doormat."

RELATIONSHIPS ARE FRAGILE BECAUSE....
1. CASUAL society.
2. CONFUSED sexual mores.
3. COMMUNICATION skills are weak/dead.
4. CONFIRMED reality of the relationship myths.

KEY QUESTION: What are the ingredients to a mutually satisfying relationship?

KEY STATEMENT OR THOUGHT: I feel like everyone and everything else is more important to you than to me.

KEY ACTIVITY: I will do anything I can to get you to see me as the most valuable person in your life.

KEY ISSUE: Learning to place honor and value on others.
The two great needs that every adult has are:
That someone will respect me.
That someone will cherish me.
Question........What are the characteristics of these two needs?

KEY PRINCIPLES:
VALUING ANOTHER is only as great as you value yourself.
VALUING ANOTHER is a gift that you give, rather than a merit someone has to earn.
VALUING ANOTHER is best played out by investing and increasing the value of another from day to day.

THE INCREDIBLE VALUE OF A WOMAN
Principle for Understanding: Fundamentally women are relational.
1. SHE IS BILINGUAL She speaks the languages of intuition and feelings.
2. SHE GIVES GREAT SYMPATHY
3. SHE IS PERSONAL IN HER THINKING
4. SHE BECOMES A PART OF HER ENVIRONMENT

THE TREMENDOUS VALUE OF A MAN
Principle for Understanding: Fundamentally men are doers.
1. If love is something that you do and men are doers, then it makes sense that men are created to be great lovers.
2. Men show love by providing (doing):
a. Security.
b. Meaningful Conversation.
c. Emotional Bonding.
d. Meaningful Physical Touch.

Question: Why do we not see the great appearance of the above values?
Answers: Bad experiences. No one ever taught us how to value another.

HOW TO ACHIEVE INTIMACY
(Intimacy: Sharing a part of me that I do not normally share with another.)

WHAT TO DO
1. Intimacy requires an initiator and responder. (Two separate people)
2. Don't assume that the other person feels the same way that you do.
3. Remember that the other is just as human as you.
4. Don't push the relationship beyond what the other person can handle.
5. Seek friendship. (Learn to be a giver not a taker.)
6. Place high value on: TIME NARRATIVES TRUST
7. Demand honesty from yourself and the other.

WHAT NOT TO DO
1. Create unrealistic expectations. (Hidden demands)
2. Carry long-term unexpressed disappointments.
3. Cradle unhealthy comparisons. (Also, generalities, all men...)
4. Coddle unexpressed feelings of little self-worth.
5. Neglect perceived needs.
6. Preoccupy yourself with yourself.

ACHIEVING AND FINDING BALANCE IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
According to Robert J. Trotter, a healthy relationship should balance three key elements: passion, intimacy, and commitment.

DEFINITIONS:

• PASSION is an intense desire to affectionately share my personal feelings with you.
• INTIMACY is sharing a part of me with you that I do not normally share with others.
• COMMITMENT is a faithful guarantee of a personal obligation that I choose to make to you, and only you.

STAGES OF PROGRESSION OF A MALE/FEMALE RELATIONSHIP

(Above chart is developed from Too Close,Too Soon, Talley and Reed.)

PERSONAL CRITERIA FOR DEVELOPING A MUTUALLY SATISFYING RELATIONSHIP THAT PLACES GREAT VALUE ON ANOTHER.

1. KNOW WHO YOU ARE! (Identify your problems and weakness to you.)

2. DETERMINE TO LIKE AND LOVE WHO YOU ARE!

3. LIST YOUR CRITERIA FOR A MUTUALLY SATISFYING RELATIONSHIP. (Who's criteria list do we usually get? What is that list not effective?)

4. DETERMINE NOT TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIST IN A PANIC. (How much time is necessary to determine the validity of your list?) (Learn to go through all of life's season's as a healthy person.)

5. BE ABLE TO RECOGNIZE A COLLISION THAT IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN.

6. GET TO KNOW THE OTHER PERSON'S FAMILY AND FRIENDS? (What will that tell you?)

7. TEST THE RELATIONSHIP FOR INNER STRENGTH:

A. Can we solve problems?
B. Can we wait?
C. Can we ask each other the tough questions?
D. Can we achieve emotional and spiritual compatibility?
E. Can I share my dreams and heartaches?
F. Does he/she contribute to my joy or my stress?

DANGER SIGNS
1. A general uneasy feeling about the relationship.
2. Frequent arguments.
3. Avoiding discussing sensitive subjects because you are afraid of hurting your partner's feelings or you are afraid of starting an argument.
4. The physical aspect of the relationship is out of control and less fulfilling.
5. Always doing what the other person wants to do, seldom taking time to do what you want to do.
6. The detection of serious emotional disturbances or outbursts.
7. You find yourself staying in the relationship out of fear, guilt or duty.
8. If the other person is constantly complaining about aches, pains and other medical issues, asking for your help and assistance is finding remedies.
9. Your friend is constantly making excuses for finding a job/vocation.
10. Your friend is overly jealous, suspicious, questions your schedule all the time.
11. Constant criticisms and changes are unsolicited and frustrating to you.
12. Biting sarcasm and condescending remarks are increasing.
13. The people you respect the most are not affirming of the relationship.
14. There are fewer areas of common interest.
15. There has been no development of new interests between the two of you.
16. Your friend seldom receives any of your constructive comments.
17. A mounting impatience and pressure to perform is a daily stressor.
18. There is a lack of spiritual harmony.
19. There are very few common goals.
20. Your personal goals are all but vanished.
21. The focus is on marriage, not on a deeper personal relationship.

QUOTES:

"Whatever you do to get love you will resent. Whatever we do out of love will bring fulfillment."
Anonymous

"What? You too? I thought I was the only one."
C.S. Lewis

"The basic foundation for all relationships is a commitment to be a loving person. It is not just a feeling, it is a decision."
Andy Morgan, Divorce Recovery Workshop

"I resent... having to think, act and date like a seventeen year old, again."
A single adult

SESSION FIVE QUESTIONS

1. Why is intimacy (sharing my life with others) so difficult to achieve in a relationship?
2. What kinds of things hurt most in a relationship?
3. What kinds of "boundaries" or rules should a dating couple establish?
4. What are sure-fire destroyers of a relationship?
5. What does it take to regain trust?
6. What are some unrealistic expectations that men and women have for each other?
7. What can we do to raise the value of another person? How can we invest our lives in another rather than having others invest in us?
8. What kinds of changes are really hard in relationships?
9. We cannot change other people! What can we do? (Make personal changes)
10. When is not appropriate to make changes or "give in" to another's expectations?
11. How can couples establish better balance in their relationship?
12. If the other person is trying to control the relationship, what should you do?
13. What do men need in a relationship?
14. What do women need in a relationship?
15. Where do you need to guard or protect yourself?
16. What are some natural fears about building a new relationship?
17. How can these fears be overcome?

FOR MORE INFORMATION CONTACT:
Calvary Church
Attn.: NSL Director
777 E. Beltline, N.E.
Grand Rapids, MI 49501

FOR A COMPLETE VIDEO SERIES ON DIVORCE RECOVERY (8 ONE-HOUR SESSIONS, 4 VHS TAPES) SEND YOUR CHECK OF $69.96 TO THE ABOVE ADDRESS.
DIVORCE RECOVERY WORKSHOP
Doug Fagerstrom, Facilitator