ILLUSTRATION: "Paper folding time."

QUESTIONS:
1. What is difficult about communicating with others?
2. Why are these things difficult?
3. What do we tend to do when communication does not go well?

DEFINITIONS:
Intimacy: When I share a part of me with you that I do not normally share with other people. That includes:

Vulnerability: When I share a part of me with you and you can go out and Hurt me.

Communication: The learned ability and process of sharing my life verbally and non-verbally with another person in such a way that they can both understand and accept what I am saying.

COMMUNICATION COMPONENTS
There are three main factors in the sending of every message:
CONTENT = 7%
TONE of Voice = 38%
Non-VERBAL = 55%

LEVELS OF COMMUNICATION
1. CLICHE CONVERSATION
2. REPORTING THE FACTS
3. IDEAS AND JUDGEMENTS
4. FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS
5. PERSONAL COMMITMENT

SPEAKING
1. Understand the difference between initiator and responder. You cannot be both.

2. Inflammatory or "Gun Powder" words or phrases have got to go. MYTH: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words....."

3. Withheld words, "under-talk," superficial talk, and grinding silence are quiet killers.

4. Abusive talk or discouraging words are naturally destroying communication forms.

5. Emotional, non-verbal-only responses often communicate the wrong message.

6. Kill with kindness.

7. Defensiveness as the first response is usually the beginning to no end. Q. What does it usually come from? A. Frustration, insecurity, etc.

8. Double level (hidden) messages demands an expert mind-reader.

9. No eye contact devalues the credibility of the words spoken.

10. Speaking for the other.....filling in the blanks is more than annoying. It is belittling and often erroneous.

11. Over-talk and repetitious words are nagging and insulting.

12. Not thinking through what is to be said, is mindless activity.

13. Not listening is the first step toward a one-way relationship.

LISTENING
Listening is probably the most difficult part of the communication process. WHY? Definition: Listening means that when someone is talking to me, I am not thinking about what I am going to say when the other person stops speaking. Listening is completely accepting what is being said without judging what is said or how it is said. Listening is being able to repeat back to another what he/she said and what he/she was feeling at that time.

KEYS TO BECOMING THE BEST LISTENER
The key word to listening is RESPECT! Here is what it means.

R EPEAT key phrases throughout the process.
E YE TO EYE contact.
S UMMARIZE in a few words what has just been said.
P ROBE by asking lots of questions.
E MPATHIZE by trying to wear the other person's shoes.
C ONCENTRATE and avoid outside/inside distractions.
T IME is crucial to the listening process.

A MODEL FOR RESOLVING CONFLICT
1. Personally identify the specific issue, not just the results of the issue.
2. Select an appropriate time and place for resolution.
3. Begin by asking questions to develop clear understanding.
4. Allow enough time and energy for the other person to share their story.
5. Come to agreement on the: Results that the issue brings. Reasons why the issue exists. Reasonable responses to the issue.
6. Identify more than one solution.
7. Choose a mutually agreeable solution.
8. Assign resolution roles and a follow-up meeting (if needed).
9. Solve and move on.

A TOOL FOR IMPROVED COMMUNICATION: EMOTIONAL WORD PICTURES
If a picture is worth a thousand words. Why not draw more pictures?
Reason/Need:
1. We all speak our own language. Pictures are universal.
2. We live in a visually oriented society.
3. Adults need the freedom to self interpret everything out of their own backgrounds and experiences.
4. Pictures are far easier to remember than words.
5. We use them all the time.

Two wells to draw from:
1. The well of Objects.....all of the things in life.
2. The well of Human Drama.....all of the stories in life. (History, fables, parables, hypothetical situations, etc)

Keys to using word pictures:
1. Become a silent observer of human life.
2. Learn to relate and connect with other's life stories.
3. Begin with simple pictures, basically, your story.
4. If you share honest kind truths, don't worry what other's think.

DISHONORING PRINCIPLES
1. IGNORE or DEGRADE another's opinion, advice, or belief.
2. Bury yourself into a less valuable DISTRACTION.
3. Make sarcastic remarks about a person's WEAKNESS.
4. Not including or involving others in YOUR plans.
5. Ignoring or not sincerely expressing appreciation for a kind deed done for you by another.
6. Not stopping annoying or distasteful (irritating or embarrassing) habits in front of others.
7. OVERCOMMITTING to "things" projects or others, clearly over the one you are trying to build a relationship.
8. Treating another LIKE A CHILD.
9. An unwillingness to admit that I am wrong.

A FEW "GOOD TIPS" FOR DEVELOPING HEALTHY COMMUNICATION SKILLS.
1. TKO
True....is what I am about to say true?
Kind....is what I am about to say kind?
Obligatory... is what I am about to say necessary?

2. BE SLOW to speak.

3. Avoid QUARRELS.

4. Don't be afraid to APOLOGIZE, FORGIVE or ask FORGIVENESS.

5. "COMPROMISE" is not a dirty word.

6. Look for the UNIQUE factors in everyone's story.