INTRODUCTION

Getting our ex-spouse in proper focus is a matter of Perspective!

Means:
"Looking through...seeing clearly."
"Seeing the

...big picture."
...the incidental from the essential.
...the fleeting from the lasting.
...partial from the whole.
...trees from the forest.

We are talking about: Focus Coping Understanding Managing

We are not talking about: Hiding Covering Denying Revenge Killing

FOUR CATEGORIES OF RELATIONSHIPS WITH YOUR EX-SPOUSE:
1. Ongoing
2. Memory
3. Lurking IN THE BUSHES
4. Healthy FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN

THE NEW RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR EX-SPOUSE IS A RELATIONSHIP THAT IS..............
...different than yesterday.
...filled with memories.
...life-long. ...not your choice.
...until you place the past behind and the future in front. (Remember: You cannot place the person behind you, only the past.)

KEYS TO MANAGING THE RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR EX-SPOUSE.
1. Develop a short focus on your ex-spouse and a long focus on you! The paralysis of analysis will keep you from growing ahead. You cannot change your ex-spouse. You have to live with You.

2. Stop playing Games. Games we play: a. Put-downs. b. Attack. (The one with the most anger wins.) c. Silence. d. Money. e. Innuendo. f. Kids (Favorite weapon) g. Revenge. h. Self Pity (Solitaire is just that!)

3. Remove the Stressors.
Draining People. (Tell others, "I'm sorry, I am booked.")
Dead-end Routines. (Drop the little stuff.)
Over Commitments. (Learn to say "I Cannot!")
Memory Overload. (Buy a calendar.)
Preoccupied. (Develop some new things to think about.)
Financial Anxiety. (Get on a budget.)
Uncontrolled Emotions. (Believe: anger is not good for you.)
Physical Exhaustion. (Find a personal rest/quiet time.)

4. Be Honorable. Respect for others begins by reclaiming your own sense of value, self-worth, dignity, healthy self-image/esteem.

5. Be Honest Declare today, "No more deception." Be honest with your life and agenda. Be honest with your feelings.

6. Be Positive ...about your life. What are some of the positive things about being single again? Reclaim the good things in your life.
...discoveries that are new.
...exercise your ability to make good choices.
...dream new dreams.
...make real old dreams.
...determine to be better not bitter.
...establish new directions.
...discover new resources for a new life.

7. CHOOSE TO LOVE WITHOUT EXPECTING A RESPONSE.

8. LEARN A NEW DEFINITION OF INTIMACY. "...when I share a part of Me with You that I do not normally share with others."

9. ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR PART IN THE DIVORCE AND MOVE ON.

10. DETACH ONE DAY AT A TIME.

11. DON'T ALLOW YOUR EX-SPOUSE TO ROB YOUR JOY. What are some joy robbers?

12. CHOOSE TO QUIT THE MARRIAGE.... ...unless the hope is real and mutual. Key word here is MUTUAL.

13. REALIZE THAT REVENGE IS IMPOSSIBLE! IT IS NEVER ENDING IT IS NEVER ENOUGH (Never satisfying)

14. TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR EX-SPOUSE. WHY?

15. ESTABLISH FAIR RULES. Personal Rules. Team Rules. (Includes the kids)

16. SEPARATE YOUR EX-SPOUSE FROM YOUR NEW SINGLE LIFE AND DON'T BLAME YOUR EX OR YOURSELF FOR EVERYTHING THAT GOES WRONG. NEW PERSPECTIVE QUOTES:

"The artist without perspective is weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable." William Shakespeare

"Perspective, you see, adds a breath of fresh air to the otherwise suffocating demands of life. It opens new dimensions that enable us to cope with the predictable... it eases the tyranny of the urgent. Perspective provides needed space." Charles R. Swindoll

"Growth in a divorce is treating an ex-spouse as an adult." Jim Smoke

STORY:
"When we were married, I was the one in charge of finances. When we were separated I moved out to an apartment. As a school teacher, I only received a pay check nine months in the year. I thought that it was fair for me to give some of my money to help my ex. I was not saving any money. Then the three summer months came. I had no savings and no pay check. I had been helping him and it was now destroying me. I was doing that just to make myself feel better. Now I felt worse. I was trying not to "let him down." In fact, I was still doing his taxes. That all had to stop. I now realize that we have a relationship, but it is different and will never be the same. I had to choose to get rid of some unproductive habits of helping him, and get unstuck from some old guilty feelings to move on ahead." Jackie