One study of six thousand business executives indicated that only one in every five married men participates in an extramarital affair, either on an occasional or regular basis. However, the same study reported that as incomes increased, so did the likelihood of affairs, with 32 percent of the men in the fifty-thousand-dollar-a-year or higher income bracket responding that they had been involved in affairs. On the opposite side of the coin, it is not unusual for a hard-driving, career-oriented businessman to discover that his wife has become romantically involved with another man, often someone he knows well.

Is there no hope for marriage today? Is it, as some authorities claim, an institution destined for extinction? Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr., a licensed clinical psychologist who has counseled more than three thousand couples with troubled marriages, explains there is hope in his bestseller, His Needs,Her Needs: Building an Affair-proof Marriage (published by Fleming H. Revell Co.)

Dr. Harley, what would be a typical scenario for an affair today?
It would be of a man who has worked with his secretary for more than three years. They do a lot of work together, she is impressed by him, and he goes to bat for her and gives her raises. She's a good secretary and encourages him. They have lunch together and occasionally work late on special projects. Once in a while they have to go to another city together on business and go sightseeing-totally innocent and just as good friends.

The man notices the secretary is exceptionally talented and pretty, and she communicates the love and attention he wishes his wife would give him. On one particular occasion, impulsively, he says he thinks he is falling in love with her. She replies that he means a great deal to her, too. They have not yet become physically involved, but soon they hug, at first casually and then tenderly.

One day when they are alone, they make love, even though it had not been planned. It is the best experience of their lives. They feel guilty and promise never to do that again, but a few weeks later they again have sex together, passionately, and it becomes more frequent. They try to conceal the affair, but eventually the wife becomes alarmed and then discovers the truth.

It's amazing how insidious it all is. It's not a case of a guy consciously saying, "My marriage has been so bad for so many years, it's time to find somebody else." It's more a matter of an important need going unmet, then someone steping in to fill that vacuum.

Generally, affairs occur between people with long-standing relationships-people who work together, or good friends. It's not the girl spotted wearing a bikini on the beach, and often the women involved are not bombshells in appearance, just what we would consider decent, nice people.

Today we hear a lot about commitment in marriage, a dedication to the relationship that transcends personal feelings and desires. Yet in your book, you place virtually no emphasis on that concept. Why?
I have discovered that methods of successful married life are not based upon commitment. In fact, I've concluded that commitment has little to do with it. As Christians, we know it is God's will that we have a good marriage, but the issue is-how do we do it? Among the thousands of couples I have counseled, it seems that commitment has very little impact upon decision-making within a marriage.

That is because we misunderstand the concept of commitment. It's not a simple matter of me saying to my wife, "I commit myself to you, Joyce," but rather "I will do my best to take care of you and to meet your needs," The goal of our commitment in marriage should be that our spouse would never want to have an affair.

What led to the development of your ideas on how to build an "affair-proof" marriage?
Actually, I was not very successful in marriage counseling until the early 1970s. I had done extensive reading and research in the use of behavior modification in marriage counseling, and saw the positive results that was having. I began taking a similar approach myself, and since then have had a success rate of 90 to 95 percent.

In working with a tremendous number of people, from very diverse backgrounds-urban, rural, retarded, brilliant, Christian, non-Christian-I found that the primary needs that men have and women have are almost universal, and methods for saving a marriage (focusing on these needs) hold up across cultures and ethnic groups.

Specifically, what are these needs?
First of all, I define a need as what people enjoy tremendously when someone does that for them. I've discovered that in women, the primary needs are: affection, conversation, honesty, and openness (a solid basis of trust), financial support (enough money to live comfortably), and family commitment (her husband must be a good father).

Among men, the five basic needs are: sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship (having his wife join him in leisure activities), an attractive spouse (she tries to always look her best), domestic support (he finds peace and quiet at home), and admiration. There may be individual exceptions, but my studies have shown that for women and men, these five areas of need cause the greatest discomfort when they are not being met-and give the greatest pleasure when they are.

Failure to have any of these marital needs met creates a vacuum of major proportions. And when a vacuum exists, it seeks to suck in whatever (or whoever) is readily available to fill it. However, if a husband and wife are doing a great job of meeting each other's needs, they should not have any major marital problems. When a person finds the five major needs being met, I've never had him (or her) express a need to work on something else.

It's interesting that although you cited affection as a basic female need, you did not list sex, while for men you included sex-and not affection. Why is that?
Women have a more natural tendency to build long-standing relationships, an orientation toward families, regardless of culture. That's why even when wives are abused, it's difficult for them to shake marriage relationships. Men hardly ever demonstrate that kind of loyalty. A man's needs are more superficial, while a woman's are deeper and more philosophical, more constructive. For that reason, sex to man often is simply a case of meeting a strong biological drive, while for a woman, sex fits within the context of a complete relationship. She has a need to feel close and cared for.

How do these facts relate to improving marital harmony?
Let's say that a woman feels a need for more affection. Her husband must develop a style and aproach to meet that need. If affection does not come naturally for him, it can be learned. To make a marriage really work, it's not enough to hit four out of five. You've got to bat one thousand.

Suppose a husband senses a need for admiration and cannot get that from his wife. Admiration is a real key; it's a big deal for men. If he happens to find someone who will give him that admiration, that vacuum will be filled. And it's interesting how quickly men get involved sexually with a woman who meets a basic need, even if their other needs-including sexual-are already being met by their wives.

You discuss the concept of the "Love Bank" in your book, stating that it also plays a major role in the building and maintaining of relationships between men and women, regardless of whether they are married. What is this "Love Bank"?
Basically. we like people we associate good feelings with. We tend to draw a distinction between our attraction to someone-how much we like them-and our caring for a person, which is more of a philosophical matter, In building a good marriage, you want your spouse to be attracted to you, so you do things that make her feel good. The result is that each time you do something that pleases her, especially in meetingf one of her basic needs, you gain a Love Bank deposit in your name. Over time, you can build a sizeable account.

However, if a person is annoying, irritating, and critical of you, those actions debit his or her account in your Love Bank. That's why it is so common to find peole who are married to spouses they dislike. And when you have an intense dislike for someone, even if that person does something you normally would like, you still don't like it! The Love Bank accounts are not transacted consciously, but they are a neat little way of conceptualizing how we develop feelings toward others.

You recommend that a husband and wife spend fifteen hours a week together, excluding sleeping and eating. Is that realistic?
Actually, I recommend that only for solid marriages. In trying to get people's marriages back together, I prescribe more time. That seems like a lot, but if we evaluate the amount of time people spend courting, they spend at least fifteen hours together-and in the process they are making sizable deposits into one another's Love Banks. Everybody is horrified at the thought of devoting fifteen hours exclusively to a spouse, but I point out that if anything were to happen to that spouse, it would require at least that much time to develop a new relationship.

What it comes down to is evaluating the array of things you could do, then focusing on those that you like in common. To do a lot of things separately, truthfully, is a waste of time. Busy peole cannot afford to do something that serves only one function. For instance in recreation you should find activities that will build the marriage, promote personal health, and provide the enjoyment you need, all at the same time.

What can we, as Christians, do to help one another avoid affairs and foster good, God-honoring marriages?
It's gratifying that the people who are reading my book the most are in the business of helping other people resolve their own human problems. Each chapter has little ideas that you can expand and tailor to your own situation. Basically, we all need to know how to form good habits. That does not come from good intentions, but by doing something over and over again.

Christians are especially good at putting up a front, and sometimes their problems are worse because the truth isn't known. We need to establish some kind of accountability with one another. If we can learn about our spouses' needs and concentrate on meeting them, the problem will solve itself.

His Needs/Her Needs
Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. says men and women almost universally have five primary needs that must be met to assure a prospering, affair-proof marriage. Those needs are:

Men

1. Sexual fulfillment
2. Recreational companionship
3. An attractive spouse
4. Domestic support
5. Admiration

Women

1. Affection
2. Conversation
3. Honesty and openness
4. Financial support
5. Family committment